Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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