I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
