The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
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If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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