The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
