I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
