im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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