So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
