The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
