actually, I'm a sock model
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
