you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
