I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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