just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
