I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
