i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
