He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
