I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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