Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
