even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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