Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We need to get me chipped asap
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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