I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
