if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
