My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
