I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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