can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
