careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
