Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
