Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
