I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
