he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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