OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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