this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
