i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
