two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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