Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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