I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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