OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
