Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
