the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
