I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
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I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.