Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.