I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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