i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself