I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
