I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
