I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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