Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
