none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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