in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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