He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
