CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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