when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
