I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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