my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We need to rekindle our bromance
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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