Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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