You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
