apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So squirting runs in the family.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
