there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
