I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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